Potions: Love Isn't That Simple
by lise
Summary: Martina's plan to make a *certain* someone fall in love with her has some rather...unfortunate...effects... *UPDATED 11/01/02!!*
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Syphiel belongs to Gourry (although he doesn't know it), Gourry belongs to Lina, Zelgadis belongs to Amelia, Martina wishes that she belongs to Xelloss, Filia is glad that she *doesn't* belong to Xelloss, and none of them belong to me

Disclaimer: Syphiel belongs to Gourry (although he doesn't know it), Gourry belongs to Lina, Zelgadis belongs to Amelia, Martina wishes that she belongs to Xelloss, Filia is glad that she *doesn't* belong to Xelloss, and none of them belong to me.

Warnings: Humour, silliness…

Key:

"…" – speech

__

//…// – thought

Potions: Love Isn't That Simple

~Prologue~

Martina muttered to herself and sighed. "The things I do for – oof~!"

The green-haired girl tumbled unceremoniously off her precarious perch, landing hard on the wood-panelled floor with a loud thump.

"Itai!"

She grumbled under her breath, pouting.

Flipping the page of the thick, ancient-looking tome lying open on the table next to her, she sneezed twice from the dust, and then clambered back onto the stool. _//Let's see…stand on left leg, elevated from ground by three feet, raise right hand…L-sama, all those ancient mages must've been trapeze artists or something!//_

"Okay…by the power of Zoamelgustar…"

Tucking one leg up and standing on tiptoe, she balanced flamingo-like (though nowhere as graceful as a *real* flamingo) on the stool, wobbling dangerously.

She stretched out her right hand and glanced at the huge book again, then proceeded to recite a long, complicated-sounding incantation. A tiny, glowing green light appeared, floating just above the palm of her right hand, and slowly expanded, growing until it was the size of a large marble, or maybe a really, *really* big pea.

Then, with a loud *BANG!* … the light exploded.

When the smoke cleared, a dirty, soot-covered Martina, still balanced on one leg, squealed happily. "Yatta! It's done!"

"Oi Lina, look! A black flamingo! I've never seen one before!"

Martina started and spun around, losing her balance and falling hard on her rear on the floor once again. 

*THUMP* …"Itaiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!"

Gourry's mouth fell open. "I've never seen a flamingo do *that* before."

Lina whacked her companion on the head. "Idiot! That's Martina!"

Rolling her eyes, Lina walked off, Gourry following behind her. 

The green-haired girl uncurled the fingers of her right hand to reveal a small glass jar filled with a glowing green liquid, smiling a smile that would've scared even Hellmaster Phibrizo. _//Now Xelloss-sama will be MINE!!//_

~*~

[tbc]


	2. The Preparation

~Chapter One: The Preparation~

~Chapter One: The Preparation~

The next morning, Martina woke early, practically quivering with excitement. She washed and dressed quickly, then scurried down the stairs to the breakfast room, the small vial of green liquid clasped tightly in her hand.

Thankfully, noted the green-haired girl, the room was still empty. Thank goodness Lina and her friends were all so lazy…Martina smirked to herself.

She regarded the large rectangular table in the centre of the room, which was already set with various utensils in preparation for breakfast. A large pot of coffee stood in the centre of the table. Martina's eyes brightened.

__

//Xelloss-sama drinks coffee, right…?//

Smirking mischievously, the girl stole over to the table, opening the coffee pot cautiously, being extra careful not to leave any tell-tale drops of coffee on the pristine white tablecloth. Unscrewing the vial she held, she poured its entire contents into the coffee pot, watching gleefully as the last of the luminescent green droplets were swallowed up in the fragrant black depths.

She then tiptoed off to dispose of the now empty glass jar, grinning maniacally all the way.

__

//Can't wait for breakfast…just gotta make sure I get a seat opposite Xelloss-sama so I'll be the first one he sees after he drinks the potion!//

It didn't occur to her that, well, people *other* than Xelloss also drank coffee.

~*~

By the time Martina returned to the breakfast room, almost everyone else had already come downstairs, and were beginning to take their seats. The table was rectangular, with four chairs on each side, ready for the eight people who were to have breakfast. 

On one side of the table was Lina, with Gourry next to her as usual. On Lina's other side was an empty seat, and then Filia sat in the seat at the end.

On the other side of the table, Syphiel sat in the end seat, opposite – predictably – Gourry, staring worshipfully at the happily oblivious blonde swordsman. Zelgadis was in the seat next to Syphiel. Amelia entered the breakfast room just after Martina did.

The green-haired girl looked around. Everyone was there except – ah, there he was. Martina's eyes lit up like 60-watt bulbs when Xelloss entered from the door at the other end of the room, waving a cheery hello to everyone and simply responding to Filia's fierce scowl with a wide grin.

The scowl got fiercer when the Mazoku pulled out the chair beside the Fire Dragon's miko, smirking at her enraged countenance.

"Ugh, go *away*!" Filia flapped her hands frantically at the grinning Xelloss. Wrinkling her nose, she sniffed haughtily, "I will *not* sit next to this…this _namagomi_!!!"

__

//Namagomi?// Xelloss calmly raised an eyebrow, still smirking. "Oya oya, Filia-san…we're all civilised people here, aren't we…unless you need a *Mazoku* to teach you how to be civilised…?"

Filia's eyes burned with red-hot flames and she barely managed to restrain her tail from popping up behind her…yet again. "*Enough*! I'll *show* you that I'm WAY more civilised than *you* are!" 

Huffing in indignation, the Fire Dragon's miko sat back in her chair, eyes narrowed and arms crossed over her chest. She shot a glance at the cheery Mazoku sitting next to her. _//Oh, I *really* need a cup of tea right now…//_

~*~

Meanwhile, Martina and Amelia had approached the table, ready to take their seats. Seeing that Amelia was about to sit next to Zelgadis – and consequently opposite Xelloss – Martina skipped ahead of the petite brunette and hurriedly plopped down in the chair next to Zelgadis, smiling brightly at the purple-haired Mazoku opposite her. "Good morning, everyone!"

She ignored the glare that Amelia shot her as the small sorceress sat down on her right, in the last empty seat, opposite a still fuming Filia.

Xelloss smiled politely back at the ex-Princess of Xoana. "Good morning, Martina."

The green-haired girl in question melted into a little puddle, a wide, insanely happy smile on her face.

~*~

[to be continued…]


	3. Even the most carefully-laid plans can g...

~Chapter Two: Even the most carefully-laid plans can go awry…~

~Chapter Two: Even the most carefully-laid plans can go awry…~

Finally, breakfast got under way. Gourry and Lina were gobbling everything within sight, Syphiel was alternatively nibbling her food and staring dreamily at Gourry, and Amelia was sneaking glances at Zelgadis, who was blissfully absorbed in his food. Filia had put her remarkable talent of producing a teapot from out of nowhere to good use, and was now daintily sipping her tea, trying not to glower at the violet-haired Mazoku sitting next to her. Martina, of course, had her eyes fixed on her latest target, who was, at present, smirking at the furious blonde girl next to him.

Yup, just another normal day…

…but not for long.

Somewhere Up There, L-sama gazed deeply into her crystal ball, saw what was about to happen…and fell off her chair cackling with mirth.

~*~

Martina leaned across the table, smiling brightly at her prey – uh, object of affection. "Xelloss-sama…wouldn't you like to drink some nice, hot coffee?"

She picked up the pot of coffee on the table and was about to pour some into his cup when the Mazoku held up a hand to stop her, smirking gently. 

"No, thank you, Martina…I think I'll have some *tea* today." Twinkling mischievously, he peeked at Filia out of the corner of his eye and almost laughed when he saw the red flames flare up around her again. Baiting Filia was just *so* fun…

Waving his hand casually, he summoned the innkeeper and ordered a cup of tea.

Filia gave her amethyst-eyed nemesis the Evil Eye. "In that case, I think *I'll* drink *coffee* today…"

The Fire Dragon's miko grabbed the coffee pot from a dismayed Martina, and, before the green-haired girl could utter a protest, Filia had poured herself a steaming cup of coffee and started to gulp it down.

Xelloss tapped the blonde girl on the shoulder. "Hey, Filia – "

The girl in question grumpily turned to him, coffee cup still in hand. "What do – "

She blinked, mouth dropping open slightly and forgetting what she'd been about to snap.

__

//Since when did Xelloss become so…so…handsome?!?//

Xelloss furrowed his brow at her slightly. Filia was staring at him, and she didn't look angry. Nope. Not angry at all. In fact she was giving him this…kinda…soppy smile. Oh no. Nononono. This was…downright…*scary*.

"Uh…Filia…are you feeling all right?"

"Oh, I'm feeling *fine*, Xelloss-sama!" she chirped happily.

__

//Xelloss-*****sama*****?!?? What happened to "namagomi"?!?//

This was really, *really* starting to scare him.

Across the table, Martina buried her face in her hands and groaned. _//No, no, NOOOOO!!!!!!!!//_

~*~

"Oi, Lina, you stopping already?" Gourry looked up in the middle of a bite of toast, staring at Lina in concern. "You hardly ate anything…only five plates today!"

Lina grinned cheerily back at her companion. "Nah, just taking a rest for a while…then I'm gonna start again! So you'd better eat fast or there'll be nothing left after I'm done!"

Gourry took this advice to heart, and, turning back to his food, started gobbling twice as fast as usual.

The red-haired sorceress leaned back in her chair, stretching luxuriously and yawning. _//Ah, wonder why I'm so sleepy this morning. Need something to wake me up…//_

She caught sight of the coffee-pot sitting on the table in front of Xelloss. _//Hmm…maybe coffee will help…//_

[to be continued…]


	4. And the Complications Begin...

  
  


~Chapter Three: And the Complications Begin...~

  
  
  
  


Xelloss was experiencing an emotion that he'd hardly ever had the occasion to experience before. 

Fear. 

He shrank back before Filia's adoring gaze, smiling nervously. "Er, Filia? Are you *sure* you're feeling alright?" 

"I'm feeling _great_, Xelloss-sama!" The blonde girl beamed. "Thank you for asking...you're so considerate..." 

Xelloss decided at that moment that he needed a good, *strong* cup of coffee to calm his jangling nerves. 

~*~

_//Ahh...nothing like a good strong cup of coffee to wash down a nice breakfast,//_ thought Gourry happily as he finished the coffee in his cup and started on his eighth plate of breakfast for the morning. Just then, Lina poked him. 

"Oi, Gourry," said the crimson-haired sorceress, yawning. "Pass me the coffee...I can't seem to stay awake this morning." 

Turning to her, the blonde swordsman passed Lina the pot of coffee, noting somewhere in the back of his mind - as he did every morning - that Lina was very pretty (despite her lack of..._assets_). He would never actually *tell* her so, of course, as that would probably end up with her trying to kill him. Most situations ended up like that...not that he minded, really. Gourry knew that he wasn't the smartest of people, not by a long shot, but he *did* know that Lina genuinely cared for him. He'd known ever since she'd come to save him from Hellmaster Phibrizo. And for now, just that knowledge was enough; who knew what would happen in the future? 

~*~

Taking the jug from Gourry, Lina poured herself a cup of coffee and sipped it happily, eyes sliding closed as she savoured the rich taste. _//Ahh...I can feel the caffeine working already. No wonder Zel likes this stuff so much.//_

"Lina-chan?" Xelloss tapped her on the shoulder. "Could you pass me the coffee, please?" 

"Yeah," she turned to him, opening her eyes, coffee cup in one hand, coffee pot in the other. 

_//Ooh.//_ Crimson eyes widened. _//Cute.//_ Then she mentally smacked herself. _//Since when do I find *Xelloss* attractive?!?//_

Unaware of the internal debate currently going on in Lina's head, and just as unaware of his impending doom, the purple-haired Mazoku poured himself a cup of coffee. _//Ahh...//_ He could feel some of the fear - inspired by Filia's extremely _strange_ behavior - dissipating already, just by *inhaling* the fragrant scent of the coffee. 

Maybe he should ask someone about Filia's strange behavior. "Lina-chan," he began, turning to the crimson-haired girl, coffee cup full of still-untouched coffee in his hand. 

She turned to him, beaming, eyes sparkling with...adoration? 

"Yes, Xelloss-sama?" 

Violet eyes widened, and Xelloss dropped his cup of hot coffee...right in his lap. 

~*~

  
  
  
  
[to be continued...]   
  



	5. What a Tangled Web We Weave...

  
  


~Chapter Four: What a Tangled Web We Weave...~

  
  
  
  


"Oh, Xelloss-sama!" cried Filia in distress, leaping up from her chair. Seeing the innkeeper passing by, the blonde girl jumped up, grabbing a dishcloth from him and quickly returning to the terrified Mazoku's side. "Let me help you wipe that up..." 

She began dabbing at Xelloss's pants with the cloth, trying to get the coffee stains out. 

Lina glared jealously at Filia. "_I'll_ help him!" 

The crimson-haired sorceress snatched the cloth from Filia, and proceeded to take over the task of mopping up the spilled coffee on Xelloss's person. 

Filia, of course, was having none of that. "I got that first!" she protested, yanking the cloth from Lina's grip. 

"Hey!" 

"Mine!" 

"Give that back!" 

"Let _go_!" 

Most red-blooded males would have been more than happy to have two pretty girls fighting over who got to mop spilled coffee up from their laps, but not Xelloss. Not when the two girls in question were Filia Ul Copt and Lina Inverse, two of the most dangerous females he knew, and probably capable of destroying a small city on their own. Heck, _Lina_ could destroy a small city on her own; and who knew about Filia, with that enormous mace? 

Besides, the coffee in his lap was _hot_. 

One more tug, one of the girls' hands - he didn't know which - sliding into his lap by accident, and Xelloss could take it no more. With a decidedly undignified and un-Xelloss-like squeak, the purple-haired Trickster Priest shoved his chair back from the table, and fled. 

~*~

"Look what you did!" Lina exclaimed crossly, glaring at the blonde girl opposite her. "You scared him away!" 

Filia glared right back. "It was _your_ fault!" 

The rest of the party, who had watched the scene with morbid curiosity and a high level of disbelief, simply gaped at the squabbling girls. 

"Uh, Lina-san, Filia-san, are you feeling alright?" ventured Amelia weakly. 

"Perfectly fine, Amelia," Lina reassured the dark-haired girl. Then, realising that Filia had made no reply, she turned, only to discover that the blonde girl had sprinted off after Xelloss. 

"HEY!" the crimson-haired girl dashed off in hot pursuit. "Xelloss-sama is _mine_!" 

Amelia's mouth fell open. _//This is one *weird* dream!//_

Martina, face still buried in her hands, groaned in despair. _//Can this get *any* worse?//_

~*~

What with all the excitement and decidedly _weird_ occurences that morning, Zelgadis hadn't even gotten his daily fix of coffee yet. And the lack of caffeine was making him grumpy - well, more grumpy than usual, anyway. 

He looked around the table for the coffee pot, only to find that, while everyone else had been gaping at Lina and Filia fighting over Xelloss _//Ugh, why *Xelloss*?!?//_ - Syphiel had snagged the coffee pot for herself and was currently monopolising the coffee and making polite conversation with Gourry at the same time. 

Grumbling to himself, Zelgadis got up to get a fresh pot of coffee from the innkeeper. 

~*~

  
  
  
  
[to be continued...]   
  



End file.
